I’m going to get real; I struggle with pornography. I have struggled with it from a young age; I started watching it around the time I was 11 years old. This time was when all my hormones started going crazy! I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew I liked girls!
I didn’t ask my parents for help during this stage, and because my parents homeschooled me, I never learned about sex. Being so curious, I started exploring everything online; This was a terrible move! I quickly found online pornography and got addicted. It escalated so fast, I found myself watching it for three to four hours every day!
At the age of sixteen, I found God and realised this habit needed to stop. So I quit for one day. Then I started again. I didn’t know how hard this would be, and I didn’t realise how long I would struggle.
The number of times I have tried to stop is too many to count. The number of times I have prayed asking God to take it away is also too many to count. I have tried many different techniques to help fight it. Some techniques helped, but none have stopped me from going back. Over time the amount of pornography consumed has decreased significantly (2 – 3 hours/week, down from 21 – 28 hours), but the last push to completely stop feels beyond my human ability.
I have had many thoughts of doubt and judgement. I have often thought I am not good enough to be a leader in any way because of this sin in my life. I have experienced incredible shame. I have felt isolated and alone. I have cried to God for hours on end – crying to the point my eyes hurt even to open them.
I get strength from Romans 7:15-20 which says “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin living in me that does it.”
I will not give up. If you are also struggling with this, don’t give up. I believe God will empower us to overcome! If you are comfortable, comment below on your struggle and how God has helped you so far.